Without further ado – tada!

Crochet vulva!

This was not hard to make at all – bearing in mind that I had only been doing crochet for a couple of weeks when I made it and was playing it entirely by ear, it can’t be that difficult, right? You could have a go too! :-)

I have in no way written this down and can’t give you a pattern but here is some sort of recipe that might at least give you an idea. When I had got about half way through I had the bright idea of taking some pictures – so even if my explanation is a bit rubbish at least the photos might help. Here goes:

Materials: assorted different colour yarns, including some novelty fluffy stuff, possibly some buttons or beads, a crochet hook, a yarn needle, a largish scrap of felt with some thread to match.

Step 1 – the base.

Using a base colour (I used light pink) crochet an oval shape in rounds, about 12cm long and about 5cm wide. I had rounded ends, but on reflection if I do this again I will try and get it a bit more triangular-egg-shaped – larger at the top (clitoris) end, pointier at the bottom (vagina) end. It helps if on the last but one round you crochet in the back stitch only as the next step will be a bit easier then.

Step 2 – mark out the labia majora.

In a contrasting colour (I used red) pick up stitches about 1 row from the edge of the base and mark out the labia majora all round. I think I only did one row. I think I did taller stitches (hdc or dc) around the clitoris end. Can’t quite remember. Then leave that for now (only fasten off if you feel like you need to).

Step 3 – the entrance to the vagina.

With a dark contrasting colour (I used black) make a spiral-circle just the right size to fit snugly within the labia majora as marked out, at the vagina end. If you can manage to make it slightly concave, so much the better. I sewed on a little round pearly button bead into the centre. Then sew the vagina entrance in place.

Step 4 – the labia minora

Fasten on whatever colour you have chosen for your labia minora. I can’t begin to explain exactly what I mean in proper pattern-speak but here are some hints on how to make the labia:

  • You will be picking up stitches as best you can, aiming along the sides to be about 1 or 2 rows from the labia majora you have marked out, but right up against the labia majora when you get to the ends.
  • You probably want to go all the way around twice.
  • When you are doing the sides, on the second round put 3 stitches in each stitch you picked up in the first round, this gives you the ruffled effect.
  • When you are doing the vagina end, do slip stitches as you don’t want to see much at this end.
  • When you are doing the clitoris end do tall stitches (hdc and dc) as you will be aiming to shape the hood, working a couple more rows over this area even after you have been round the whole vulva twice.
  • The picture just below might give you a bit of a clue.

Crochet vulva 1

Step 5 – Clitoris

Use a contrasting thread (I used orange) to make a crochet bobble. There are loads of free sites on the internet that tell you how – like this one. Then sew it onto your vulva so it fits snugly under the clitoral hood.

Now is a good moment to weave in any ends that you have got trailing (apart from your labia majora wool if you still have this attached!) because it’s photo time.

The picture on the left is roughly what your work might look like at this stage.

Crochet vulva 2
Step 6 – finish labia majora

Go back and work a few more rows on your labia majora. You are aiming to have about the same height as the internal parts, to give some “coverage” but not too much – you want to be able to see them after all that effort!

Use tall stitches at the clitoris end because you want to create something like a mons veneris effect when you sew on the hair. (This is the stage at which you start wishing that you had thought of doing a more triangular-egg-shaped vulva base right back at step 1!)

Crochet vulva 3Step 7 – pubic hair

Get your funky fluffy yarn (mine is multi-coloured with pink, purple, blue, and pale gold!) and fasten on at the edge of your base. This stuff is tricky to crochet with, but if you are only doing one row onto normal yarn (not trying to crochet extra rows onto fluffy yarn) it is just about doable…

After you have been round the edge, start working inwards, over the base and labia majora. You may not need to do a round of fluffy for every round of normal yarn, because the stuff is fluffy and it actually does a pretty good job of providing ground cover for your lovely new ladygarden all by itself.

Crochet vulva 4Step 8 – a sensible base

You’ve nearly finished now! The very last thing to do it to make the whole thing just a little bit sturdier by cutting out a piece of felt about the same size/shape as your crochet base, and just stitch this onto the bottom.

There – wasn’t that fun?!