A feminine woman in bed is:
She is the empty vessel; he the one who fills her. She is reluctant; he is insistent. She resists; he is the conqueror. She is soft; he is hard. She is helpless, weak, swept away; he is in command. She yields herself up to him.
Signs of her submission and passivity, her underneathness, include her difficulties in asking for what she wants. She does not find it easy to ask. She does not make the first move. Perhaps she does not know what she wants. She feels a tingle, she feels a desire, but she has no context – no female sexual culture – no womanly perspective – no springboard – no voice. She only knows what he wants, she knows so well what he wants. And she can hope that on giving him that, she may herself receive. She cannot take. She cannot demand. She can only give – and then, hope.
Signs of her submission and passivity, her underneathness, include her willingness to go along with and even be excited by male-dominant sex acts. She gives blowjobs, deep, deep. She is taken from behind. She is tied up. She is spanked. She is penetrated. She consents to violence.
She says: this is what I like.
She says: this turns me on.
She says: I want you to do it to me. To do it to me.
She says that, if she says anything. Perhaps instead she is silent.
This is femininity in the bedroom.
And what, then, is an unfeminine woman in the bedroom? A strong woman, powerful, what is she in the bedroom? Does she fill, insist, conquer? Does she command, tie up, spank, penetrate? Does she dominate?
The domination is masculine.
The conquest, the commands, the violence – all masculine.
It is masculinity in the bedroom.
A strong woman, powerful, is not masculine just as she is not feminine.
She is Herself.
What is Herself? Is she what the world has made of her? Must she be what the world has made of her? Can she be, instead, Herself?
We can reject lipstick.
We can reject hairless legs and hairless crotches.
We can reject high heels and pencil skirts.
We can reject that little smiling tilt of the head.
We can reject femininity.
Why is it different when femininity is in the bedroom?
If we can reject the programming that makes us shrink from hairy armpits, can we reject the programming that makes us thrill at the domination of Sexual Man? If we can speak up in the workplace, can we speak up in the bedroom?
Can we, instead, learn to love ourselves in our power? Can we, instead, learn to enjoy and eroticise equality, consent and respect? Can we unlearn those endless lessons we have absorbed, the lessons that taught us how to be sexually feminine? Can we replace the tingle of being Mastered with the tangle of being Loved?
I am Woman.
Hear me roar.
I am Woman.
Watch me grow.
Oh yes I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am Woman