Your hole giving you hell? Why not just skip along to the Manhattan Center for Vaginal Surgery?

Over the last few years female cosmetic surgical procedures have become increasingly popular and more common. With society’s increasing acceptance of women’s expectations of sexual satisfaction and happiness has come greatly increased interest in this field of medicine. The Manhattan Center for Vaginal Surgery specializes in elective genital cosmetic surgery to make you feel and look your best. Vaginal Rejuvenation, Vaginoplasty, Labiaplasty, and Hymen Repair (Hymenoplasty) are our specialties.

For $9500, you can get a VAGINAL REJUVENATION. This includes a vaginoplasty to tighten the vagina by “removing excess vaginal lining and tightening the surrounding soft tissues and muscles” and a labiaplasty to “reduce the size or change the shape of the… labia minora”.

Why would you want to do this?

In the case of a labiaplasty you might be one of those women who are unlucky enough to be “born with large or irregular labia” or to “develop this condition after childbirth or with aging”. The appearance of the enlarged labia can cause embarassment with a sexual partner! You could suffer a loss of self-esteem! Maybe you just “want to look prettier, like the women [you] see in magazines or films”. Maybe you suffer “chronic labial irritation” as a result of wearing tight clothing. Don’t give up your patriarchy-given right to wear tight clothing! Have surgery instead! Because, when all is said and done, “Labiaplasty can greatly enhance the cosmetic appearance of the outer vagina giving many women greater confidence and self esteem”.

What about a vaginoplasty then? Well, you might be one of those unlucky women whose vagina, along with the surrounding tissues and muscles, does not return to “normal size” and instead “fails to return to its’ pre pregnancy diameter.” Remember, “the more vaginal deliveries, the worse the condition gets”. You might just have been unlucky enough to have been born with a “vaginal diameter that was greater than expected”. Don’t worry we can “help” these women too! You might be suffering decreased sensation and satisfaction during sex – don’t worry, this is just “loss of friction” and a quick tighten will sort you out! Even if you are still happy, you selfish cow, what about your partner? Just because he seems happy means nothing – your partner “may notice a change although he may say nothing”.

Labiaplasty and vaginoplasty are both available separately.

You could also go for “hymen repair” just in case you accidentally went and got your nice shiny hymen broken by “intercourse or accidental tears”. That costs a mere $4,900.

Not sure you can afford the fees? Don’t worry, low cost financing is available so you can have your surgery now and go bankrupt later!

Think you might change your mind after a proper consultation in which the risks are properly explained to you and you are asked to provide informed consent? Don’t worry, we can schedule your operation on the same day as your first consultation. Not for us the tedious form-filling of a bureaucracy that others might use to protect the vulnerable. Your whim is our command!

Worried about the risks of surgery and anaesthesia? Don’t be! The only risks we’re going to tell you about are the rare complications of “bleeding, infection and scarring” which will be totally controlled by our super-expert doctors.

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Doesn’t it make you sick? Absolutely PIG sick.

If you have large or irregular labia, celebrate. They are powerful and amazing. If they seem embarassing, look at REAL women’s labia (not the ones in “magazines and films”!) and see what astonishing variety and kick-ass-ness there is in the vulva club.

If your sex drive and pleasure in sex has gone down since having children, seriously question what the hell this might have to do with your “loose” vagina. You could be tired, you could be feeling pissed off at how badly you are treated now that you are a mother, you could be feeling the need for a bit of clitoral stimulation. Get some masturbation going.

If you have low self esteem, stop looking at surgery websites and start looking at pro-woman websites to get some feminist cuntloving yee-hah.

If you have labial irritation, wear more comfortable clothes! If it happens during sex, get your partner to stop being so damned selfish and help you out. Lubricant, for instance.

But surgery? Surgery? SURGERY?

It was the before-and-after pictures that made me feel saddest. All that power, all that unique creativity, all that individuality – gone. Stolen.

Oh wow I’m angry now.

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