Because, what are tights for anyway?

For covering up your hairy ugly legs of course, and making them look smooth and leggy and nicely curvaceous and sexayyyy!!

(Meanwhile ensuring that there is no space to hide for that oh-so-hideous lard that makes them all wobbly and nonsexayyy. Just so’s you know your place.)

Er, no. Not in these parts, anyway.

Tights are for keeping your legs – hairy or otherwise – WARM. Children know this. They have nice, thick, cosy tights, available in a variety of colours and patterns.

So why oh why is it that no matter where I look the only tights I can find for grown-ups are slinky clingy not-very-warm skimpy tights? Why can I not find ANYWHERE a nice pair or three of cosy, practical, woolly, insulating tights to keep my out-in-the-frost-on-my-bike legs all lovely and WARM!

We know who to blame.

Meanwhile, I think someone could do very nicely out of “children’s stuff in grown-up sizes”.

I’m not just talking about proper tights, here, but all kinds of stuff. Ariel, for example, has some very fabulous patent (not-)leather boots with flowers on that my friend Sam* would kill for, if only they did them in grown-up sizes. And who wouldn’t want monster T-shirts and stripey dungarees and – now that it’s getting so cold outside – cuddly pyjamas with feet?

(* Name changed to protect the innocent.)

Personally, I’d settle for some warm tights.