It would of course be lovely if I could be one of those amazing Gentle Parents who aim to act always by consensus, who empower their children to make good decisions for themselves, who never assume dominion or authority over their children – and all that.
Wouldn’t Ariel be lucky if she had a mother like that? A mother who would never shout or punish or say things like If you hit mummy again then mummy will hit you, and I’m bigger than you so it will hurt – let alone follow through with such a threat… A mother who would always be calm and reasonable, or at least wiling to apologise and admit that she’s wrong if she occasionally fails to practice what she preaches…
Well I do truly and genuinely admire people who can follow that model effectively, and in all honesty I do aspire to it, in my way. But I’m not capable of doing it, not all the time, if ever. It’s too hard. If I haven’t the energy or the time to discuss and negotiate, I just don’t. I assert my authority, I threaten, in the event of disobedience I carry out my threats, and I never (hardly ever) back down, even from the fights which in all honesty I wish I’d never started*. I do all these things, and I don’t even feel bad about it.
* Like the one over whether or not I’m going to get out of bed at 5am to accompany my perfectly capable Ariel to the toilet, just because she doesn’t fancy going on her own…
It would be so much better, I’m sure, if I could manage to be a Gentle Parent, but I’m not. I wasn’t brought up that way, I’m not made for it, I wouldn’t know how to do it and stay sane, and I’m not sure (now) that I would even want to try.
Yes, I am somewhat authoritarian. My name is Maia and I am an authoritarian parent.
It isn’t all bad. I am less authoritarian than my own parents and, if she chooses to be a parent, I am hopeful that Ariel will be less authoritarian than me. And I’m not, as the title to this post hints, the worst possible mother. For one thing, I am here: every day. Every day, I get up and I do parenting – some days I do it well, other days not so well – but every day I am here and I am doing it, I am being a parent. And that is not a small thing. It amazes me that so many people do it, because it is not a small thing.
Today is a day
to stand back and say
that this is okay.
So I’m making my peace with my mothering, authoritarianism and all. I’m accepting that there is only so far I can go in unlearning my earliest lessons in how to parent. I am steadily realising that I am not, never will be perfect, in mothering or in anything else – but that, as it turns out, this is OK. I’m OK.
It’s good to know. If nothing else, it’s one less worry to distract me from actually being the person, the mother, that I want to be.
11 June 2008 at 9:24 pm
I hear you sister
11 June 2008 at 10:00 pm
I studied Donald Woods Winnicott’s, (pediatrician and psychoanalyst) concept of the “good enough mother” during my counsellor training. It says a lot. And yes, as the mother of three, I hear you too sister.
12 June 2008 at 6:37 am
Heard the third. It also helps to know that even though I wanted to be the gentle and kind mother, I don’t have that kind of child. I have a kid that rarely listens to gentle reminders, but responds to “Get your pants on NOWWWWWW.” And he still tells me he loves me, unsolicited. So I haven’t crippled his soul yet.
24 October 2008 at 10:09 pm
I am a bad mother, according to today’s edicts about parenting. I have an authoritarian streak, and I make them take responsibility for what they do (7 and 9). I’ve even had friends comment on what a bad mother I am, as I forget – yet again – to feed them at the correct time because I was too busy reading a book.
And yet, my children are two wonderfully kind, gentle and polite boys, resilient and independent, with a mind of their own. So I defiantly say: I cannot be that bad a mother, to have two children like this.
I follow my mother’s way of parenting (though she was 100 times better at it) – for me, being a mother is about training my children to be independent, not about being their personal slave.
So please, don’t apologise for not being a gentle mother!
26 October 2008 at 7:23 pm
Ha – the number of times I have to remind my little one that I’m not her personal slave lol
But oh yes I do have my horrible days when I’m just a rotten parent for the day – and she has her horrible days when she’s just revolting too – we acknowledge it, we deal with it and, once it passes, we move on.
4 February 2009 at 9:03 pm
Maia,
Thank you for this validating post. I’m yet another sometime-sucky (overly dramatic) mom who loses it on occasion with her (overly dramatic) 12-year-old daughter and has yet to be invited into the “Mommy Hall of Fame.” In fact, they won’t even allow me to visit the Mommy Hall of Fame because I don’t have beautiful Hanna Anderssen mother/daughter matching floral print dresses and straw sun bonnets. Bad, bad mommy! At least your post allowed me to momentarily better tolerate my shameful parental imperfection.